I quit my job today.
Rather, I quit a couple months ago, but today I decided to burn the bridge back - to quit for real. Re-entry into my field will be a pain in the ass. It's time to pursue my dreams for real.
Everything I do going forward: only things I love. Making something beautiful in my day job. Making something beautiful - art - in my off time.
Going over Beta Male right now. Last time I touched the draft was a year ago. A friend told me that she loved the fifth draft. Books exist to be read. It will come out, eventually. I always see things through to completion. The draft feels like it was written by a stranger. Who is this person who made this thing? I can feel the pain dripping off the pages. A stranger wrote this. I don't recognize him.
It's funny how different it reads compared to Christ's Inferno. Still working through the outline for that one.
All good art comes from pain.
What do I feel anymore?
Gratitude, mostly. A sense of detachment from most things. Love for the people I care about.
Once I get started, I can't be stopped.
Deciding right now whether to quit my job full time, which pays very lucratively, and to start my own business. I'm genuinely terrified - it's not a rational decision, I still have a mountain of debt I could pay off easily if I just worked full time, but there's something inside of me that's compelling me to take this risk now.
I'm terrified of self publishing Beta Male. Even though it's a work that's ultimately a criticism of misogyny and racism, line-for-line, you could take quotes out of it that would seem outrageously offensive. But that's part and parcel of the work itself, which is an exploration of the psychology of bigotry and young male alienation. In this age of outrage culture it could easily be misinterpreted, although I think the authorial intent is clear.
I'll do it anyway.
Decided to do both.
I'll be preparing Beta Male for self publication while outlining Christ's Inferno, which would have taken a couple of months anyway.
people I admire
Bret Easton Ellis