In life, sometimes you have these critical moments where you're faced with a tough decision: do the thing that's hard to do - what you know is the right choice, or wither away under the fear of the moment, shirking from right action. The latter is easy, the former takes willpower, strength, and courage.
Today, unexpectedly, I faced such a moment. I've been preparing for it for a long time, but it came when I was unprepared. I was destabilized, struck with anxiety, and I didn't make the right call. I took the coward's way out, and I really regret it.
But then I remembered that I no longer believe in free will - that in that exact moment, that exact point when my life could have diverged into another road: I did the only thing that I could do, the only thing that my brain's neurons were capable of doing in that moment in time. Not only did I take the coward's way out, but I couldn't have done otherwise.
In the words of Marcus Aurelius, "it was woven into the pattern from the beginning."
Why then, regret?
Why then, shame?
Will is at once everything, and nothing: everything, because it determines how hard you strive after what you want in life, and nothing, since the will itself is simply the terminal effect of a long chain of causation stretching backward toward the beginning of time.
When I bitch out of things I should've done, I like to get philosophical.
people I admire
Bret Easton Ellis